got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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