You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
