Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
