There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
foreskin is a definite game changer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
