I'd wear matching sweaters with you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
