you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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