i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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