just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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