I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So vagazzling was a success
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
