well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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