she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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