On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
