You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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