I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
