We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
