mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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