I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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