Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
