My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
