Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
