he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
