dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
