i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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