What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
