that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
