it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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