i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
