Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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