Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
