And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am never drinking with the goths again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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