the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
