It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
