It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
