Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
