So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
