There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
