I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
