I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
