I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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