It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
