i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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