Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
