my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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