I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
