WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
