I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
