Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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