OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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