I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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