nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
