Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
